Cardinal Borgia's Reefer Madness

This column is satire. Get over it.

My dearest children…

I have been been away for such a long time, devoting my days to prayer and healing after I somehow failed to attain the Papacy yet again. 

In the words of the immortal Douglas MacArthur, I have returned!

When crawled out of my coffin, first thing I did was take a walk across Town Cove to see the sights and hear the news.  Imagine my shock when one of my followers confessed that she was voting against a ballot question to legalize recreational use of marijuana. 

Legalize what?

Let me get this right – the tightest of up-tight Puritans are voting whether or not to legalize pot?  And the ballot question is predicted to win?

Hallelujah, my children!  This is most joyous news.  Reefer Madness comes to the Bay Colony!  The Puritans once persecuted my followers for burning a little incense and now those black-clad grumps are going to be smoking up like Cheech and Chong!  Old Cotton Mather must be spinning in his grave.

Should this measure come to pass, my Congregation will heartily endorse all forms of recreational ganja. Most especially we’ll want our members to enjoy it most liberally before my insufferable homilies. 

But what of Cape Cod?  Will the local garden clubs promote cultivation of weed instead of more conventional garden plants?  Will our farmers markets start selling pot alongside their corn and cranberries?  Yea though I walk through the shadow of the burning bush, I will not inhale!  Well, maybe a little.

Will we have the stately matrons of Chatham or Osterville smoking up at their garden parties?  Will good mommies send the kiddies to school with pot brownies?  Will the local pizzerias garnish their pies with something that has more bite than oregano?

The possibilities are endless!  As soon as I can convene a Conclave, we will issue an encyclical on the astonishing and wonderful way marijuana might enhance Cape Cod life.

Rejoice, my children!  Reefer Madness is upon us!


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