Wareham Police Chief Wish List

Who Will Replace Chief Stanley?

Oddsmakers list interim Police Chief Richard Stanley as a 10% chance to be Wareham's next police chief. He's also doing the same job in North Andover, where his home/heart is. His contract expires on March 31st, and Wareham is most likely going to need a new Top Cop.

Wareham has been in the midst of a crime wave recently, and it's going to take a kick-ass cop to straighten out the mess. Maybe there's a guy on the force in Wareham now who would make a good chief, but no one cop has really stood out. Therefore, we should bring in a ringer.

A celebrity cop sounds like a bad idea on the surface, but there are several benefits to having one. Name recognition helps, both with getting out in the community and intimidating potential lawbreakers. The right celebrity may have certain skills that are suited for the job, a la Chuck Norris and his ass-kicking skills. A truly powerful celebrity may even be able to influence the law-making process, a la Arnold Schwartzenegger.

Wareham will most likely hire a regular human being as the next police chief, and this can be a good thing. However, we'd like to use our place in the media to drop a few names into the hat.

Shaquille O'Neal

Shaq is a first ballot Hall Of Fame basketball player, has a few gold records from his rapping, has starred in a few movies, and is one of the funnier guys in the NBA. He has another unique talent, however.

Shaq loves cops. He completed training at the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Reserve Academy, and became a reserve officer with the L.A. Port Police. He also was named as an honorary US Deputy Marshal and was made the honorary chairman of the Safe Surfin' Foundation, which tracks sex predators.

He was also a salaried reserve officer on the Miami Police force. His best moment came when he reported, tailed, and helped bust up a hate crime. The offender was arrested on multiple charges for yelling homophobic slurs at some innocent folks.

Now, he's in Boston. His NBA career is nearing an end. His rap skills aren't such that he'd be wise to focus all of his energies there. Few Hollywood roles are being offered that require an instantly recognizable 7'1" co-star.

He's also worth at least $200 million. It'd be a boon to our economy to have him waving all that cheddar around, and- if he becomes immersed in the job- the possibility exists where he'd buy all sorts of cool high-tech crime fighting gadgets, like Batman.

Kids love Shaq. Bring Chris Herren to a rally, and most people are like, "Who?" That is not a problem Shaq would have. People flock to Shaq, and his influence would be immeasurable.

Make him an offer. He likes to be a cop, he's local, he can throttle just about anyone in town, and I bet he'd wok for free. Of all the people I plan to list, Shaq is the only one who might actually take the job.


Stephen Seagal

Seagal, like Shaq, is at a career crossroads. Every movie he makes goes straight-to-DVD. I don't even think he makes American movies any more... his last few were filmed in like Serbia or something. It's over, Johnny.

Also, like Shaq, Seagal has a lifelong interest in law enforcement. He is a reserve deputy chief for the Jefferson County, Louisiana sheriff. He graduated from a police academy in California 20 years ago, and has a peace officer certificate.

Seagal was let go from the JCSO after being named in a sexual trafficking case, but he was taken back onto the force when the charges were dropped.

He stars in an A&E show entitled Stephen Seagal: Lawman.

Seagal is also a 7th dan degree and Shihan in aikido. He was the first foreigner to operate an aikido dojo in Japan. Like Shaq, there aren't too many people in town who he couldn't drag in if needed. He can also use his Zen powers to push bullet #2 through the hole made by bullet #1 when he shoots someone.

Seagal lives in Louisiana between films, and many of his former constituents have been living up here since Hurricane Katrina. Seagal would be one step ahead of just about any other legitimate candidate in knowing how our imported criminal element works.

He needs the work, he loves the field, and he has unique talents for the position. We could do a lot worse than Stephen Seagal, actually.


The Big Bossman

6'7", 335 pounds of the meanest lawman you done ever saw!

Sometimes, a town needs an Andy Taylor-style chief of police who sort of runs the town by homily. Other towns need more of a hands-on presence. The Big Bossman provides that by the bushel-f*cking-basket.

If spending a night in the Wareham hoosegow actually holds a pretty good chance of seeing you getting beaten to a pulp by the Big Bossman, you'd think twice before performing crimes in Wareham.

Stacey is telling me that the Big Bossman is dead (wrestlers die young), so I guess he was on God's list. We can always go to Nikki Law, who stole the Big Bossman's act for WOW in 2001 or so.

It'd be nice to have a woman as chief, and she's certainly tough enough. Watch her get noted miscreant Heather Steele to talk, here.

We'll just go to the next name out of the hat.

Jeff Perry 

Now, I know what you're saying... Jeff Perry? That Jeff Perry??

Hear me out.

He does have police experience, gained right here in that Wareham we're discussing. Sure, his police career ended in disgrace and shame with him fleeing the state, but that was like years ago. At least one investigation into his career has cleared him of any wrongdoing.

Jeff Perry knows the job, he knows the town, and he has powerful friends in high places. He also has worked with Wareham PD while serving as the Barnstable County Special Sheriff.

Just ask yourselves this, people of Wareham... is the town safer now, or was it safer when Jeff Perry was laying down the law here? Thought so!

OK, I'm kidding. I'd prefer one of the Reines to Jeff Perry.

This column would just prefer to keep Chief Stanley.

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