Barack Obama's Coming To Town

President To Land In Bourne Today

President Barack Obama will begin his 10 day vacation to the Cape and Islands today when he lands at military base in Bourne, Massachusetts. From there, I assume he takes his helicopter- Marine One- off to Martha's Vineyard.

If you see Air Force One flying over you and you think it looks cool, thank both Boeing (who made the plane) and Jackie Kennedy (who designed the color scheme). Nancy Reagan designed the interior (a Southwestern motif), but you won't see that from the ground.

They don't really like to give us press types too much information about when exactly the President will be where. That's probably for the best. We don't want to be Dallas Part Two.

We do know that the President will spend his vacation at Blue Heron Farm, a 28 acre luxury retreat that costs $50,000 a week. I get strange looks when asking for $2500 a week on Duxbury Beach. He and the First Fam will be all over the island, buying ice cream, having supper, golfing, swimming, fishing for stripers, and whatever else wealthy tourists do.

The quiet island will have an increased Secret Service presence for the presidential visit. You may get run out of a pizza joint or something... try not to take offense.

A lot of people are calling for Barack to cancel his vacation, but we're calling bulls**t on that. He has a difficult job. Even if you don't like how he's doing it, you have to admit that a man works worse if he doesn't take off some time to blow off some steam now and then.

The President never really vacations, in that he still has to handle business and so forth. He'll have plenty of staff on the island with him. He'll get daily briefings, and we won't be left with Joe Biden running the country if a revolt happens in Jordan or something.

On the island, the president's schedule is not known. His people will make reservations at 10 different restaurants if he wants to go out. I have no intention of scamping around the island waiting for him to go get a Big Mac or something, but maybe one of our other writers does.

We recognize that the President is an Illinois guy, and that he's a few steps behind the locals when it comes to enjoying Massachusetts. We'd like to offer our services to him if he needs to be pointed in the right direction.

This column would recommend the following C&I friendly vacation activities:

- Clam Shack

Get off Air Force One, look left, look right, and be like "G*ddamnit, I want a motherf*ckin' lobster roll! Someone take me to a clam shack!" Those should be his first public words upon standing his feet on Cape Cod soil.

He should then get on Marine One, fly over the Canal, and go to Barlow's Clam Shack. Wolf down a lobster roll (which, if you stare at the sign closely, you'll notice is advertised as being "wicked good."), and get the girls a Lobster Tail ice cream.

This is important for two reasons.

1) He'll be about a half hour into his Cape vacation, and he'll be totally Native and perfectly Happy.

2) It should be good for 50,000 votes in the next election, from both Bourne Residents and Clam Shack proponents such as myself. Ask, say, Al Gore what 50,000 votes mean.

Any clam shack will do. I just used Barlow's because I had a picture of their sign. However, he could do a lot worse.

He's going to be doing a lot of four-star dining while he's here.. he should do at least one meal at a shanty, even if he has to land his private helicopter on the Scenic Highway to do so.

- Surfcasting

Sure the economy is crashing, but a real man doesn't walk by an ocean and not catch a big fish. George Bush caught a striper or two, and you don't want to look like a p*ssy when compared to your predecessor.

He should dispatch the Secret Service to comb the beach, looking for the right fisherman. He needs an old salt, who knows what he's doing, and who will speak to the President only to offer important fishing advice. That man should then be deputized, and taken to mentor the First Fisherman as he hurls mackerel into the Atlantic.

This is important, because Obama is from Chicago, and will instinctively fish wrong if not paired with a veteran.

You'd think that we should just hire Quint and send Obama out after a big porker, but No. It's too hard to secure the ocean, especially where the former USSR has sold submarines to Iran and so forth. Also, a boat trip ends up being somewhat of a hassle. It's easier to just wander down to the beach.

I need not add that if Obama spent more time fishing than golfing, it would take a lot of the sting out of this "enjoy a Great Gatsby-like vacation while the economy is crumbling" vibe I'm feeling. Don't forget to get a fishing license, though!

Obama and his friend should then spend an overnight/early morning on an incoming tide, doing the Surfcasting thing. It would straighten him right out.

I'd also recommend foregoing Marine One and overpaying the brokest-looking fisherman in Hyannis Port to ferry him over to the Vineyard. If he gets the right Cap'n, he may not need the mentor fisherman. It'd never happen this way, but the idea is sweet.

- Barnstable Bat Company

He should, after eating his fill at Barlow's, then head to the Barnstable Bat Company.

King Arthur had Excalibur. Barack Obama should get himself a bat made (by hand) by a local craftsman. He should give it a cool name, and carry it with him wherever he goes.

I'd recommend "Monticello," which is the name of the Thomas Jefferson estate. No political angle there... it just sounds cool. Failing that, I'd go with "Patton" or "Amistead." I'm sure the right person could think of something better.

I'd also suggest getting a smaller bat that can be handled with one hand. You need the other hand free to hold people by the throat.

Whenever John Boner tries to run some "let's shut down a few orphanages and give the money to the guy who runs Berkshire-Hathaway" nonsense by him, Obama can take out the bat and just wreck the room. I can guarantee that the video of Obama chasing some corporate lobbyist out of the White House with a handmade bat would equal 10 points in the next election.

He should then have a private ceremony where he hands the bat over to the next President. I'd recommend walking him/her down to the Potomac, and having Britney Spears rise from the waters somehow and handing it over.

- He should also send postcards

- If one non-SEAL can wear a "Where's Whitey" t-shirt around Massachusetts, it's Barack Obama... or Howie Carr.

- Tummysurfing

People who are more used to swimming in lakes and ponds don't understand that the greatest human endeavor in the ocean is Tummysurfing.

Stand where the waves start to break, shape yourself like surfboard, and throw yourself with the most impressive wave that comes at you. Ride it to the beach. Repeat endlessly.

I was actually very good at Tummysurfing as a kid, right up until puberty. After puberty, I was no longer aerodynamic. It's sort of like gymnastics, in that you are no longer World Class once you start to develop a figure.

To be totally honest, the best coastal sport is a Death Run, but we're not sure if Obama will get big enough waves or an armored seawall to do Death Runs. I'll write at length on Death Runs when a big storm gets near us.

If Obama reads this and is thinking about Tummysurfing, he should know that several tropical storms may pass far offshore of New England. He may get fat enough waves for some Tummysurfing. You don't really need monster storm weaves to Tummysurf.

- Clamdigging

Obama should grub at least one family meal out of the mud. I bet Michelle and the older daughter would balk, but he could take the little one out on the flats and gather some quahogs. Kids like getting muddy, even if their father is the President.

Oh, and Michelle... don't let him into the house after he clams until he has washed himself off thouroughly with the garden hose. You can yell at him if you need to, and it doesn't matter if he's the President. I do it to the Colonel all the time, and he could snap my neck with an offhand gesture. We all answer to a higher authority, even the President.

- Mini-Golf

I don't care how much of his term is spent golfing... if I get Barack Obama at Sand and Surf Mini Golf in Wareham, I'll beat his Presidential ass. I mean "beat...ass" to = "get a better score than he does," just in case the Secret Service is reading this. I got $50 that says I best your score, Barry!

In fact, I think I could beat Tiger Woods at Sand and Surf. He'd beat me at every other golf course in the world, but there's no way he is getting by that motherf***ing airplane in less than 10 strokes without a decade of practice. I'll even spot him a 5 mistress handicap.

I've issued the challenge, Barry... I've even named the course. How big are the Presidential Grapefruits? Have your people contact my people, maybe we could get a PPV out of it.

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