Lottery Contigency Plan [Nor'easter Blues]

Mega Millions To Hit $500 Million Tonight

Folks of the Lottery Persuasion all across the USA are bugging today, as a jackpot in a particular game builds up to a half billion US dollars. That's a hefty payout.

Mega Millions, from what I gather, is a lottery where the jackpot kicks over to the next drawing if no one wins any particular week. If a few weeks go by with no winner, you end up with payouts that look like African nation GDPs.

You can do a lot of stuff with that kind of money, and I mean ridiculous stuff. You could go to the local Fish & Game place, be like, "I want to buy saltwater fishing licenses for the next 100,000 people," and then drop 1/500ths of your winnings down to assume a sort of Godlike status among the area anglers.

You can also buy 25 F-15s. This would be more than enough to have air superiority in any African war, save with the heavyweights like Egypt. You'd probably need 1/5th of that total to outgun any nation in South America, leaving the rest of the nut for bombs and jet fuel and so forth. Amazingly, we're actually getting ahead of the article a bit here, so let's pull back.

22 states or so play Mega Millions, and over a billion tickets have been sold. If you're trying to get a gallon of milk real quick at the store and there's some d-bag in front of you buying 100 quick-picks, it's probably Mega Millions-related. Avoid any store in a border area with a state that doesn't have Mega Millions.

The Sports Desk members each kicked in 5 bucks, and we sent Stacey (the wealthiest, and most trustworthy of us) down to buy a gaggle of tickets. We then, after being blessed by the herb's essence, began contingency-planning what we'd do with the money if we won.

Stacey: "I'm reminded of a show we watched on bear attacks when I was teaching high school science. Every kid in the room had a theory on how they'd handle a bear attack..."I'd impale it on a stick"..."I'd jam my forearm down his throat" and so on.

A few days later, we went to the Topsfield Fair on a field trip. They actually had bears on display there, two mammoth brutes in a sort of dual cage display. I was amazed at how large they were. The brown bear was much, much larger than those hybrid electric cars you see, and he could probably f*ck one of them if he chose to.

I'd always envisioned bears as sort of like Yogi and Boo Boo, and was in awe of just how powerful these bears were. It would take hundreds of pic-a-nic baskets to feed this bear, and it would fear Ranger Smith not even a bit.

I flashed back to the bear attack discussion. Just looking at the bears, I immediately dismissed every strategy I'd heard in our classroom bull session. No matter what you tried, this bear would smash you down with one swipe of the paw, and you'd never get it off you.

I think the lottery would be like that. No matter what we think now, there's no way to plan ahead for something like that happening. You have no idea how you'd act in a situation where you were suddenly ultra-powerful. Settling high school grudges by hiring MMA fighters to pummel cheerleaders you hated, buying KFC and unilaterally eliminating (at least regionally) the Double Down sandwich, jumping late-but effectively into the GOP presidential primaries... all of that would be within your reach."

Abdullah: "I would buy the Mashpee Ballet, and become my own best customer. While patronizing an orphanage would be nice, it pales in comparison to falling asleep every night in a cocaine haze on top of a pile of strippers.

Regular life isn't that bad, and I could gladly return to it knowing that for 5 of my 70 or so years that God grants me, I lived life like some renagade Sultan. I'd spare 10 million or so for the orphans, but the rest will be handed to cocaine smugglers, thrown across the bar for rum, and essentially stuffed into the moneymakers of whatever stripper I happen to be focusing on at any given instant."

Ellen: "I'd buy a mountaintop retreat, and fill it with pillows. Somehow, I'd buy high up enough that the house is constantly full of clouds. Everything in it, and the outfits of anyone allowed in it, would be white.

I'd lay around in a toga, while Abercrombie and Fitch models (in nothing but loin cloths) would feed me grapes and play guitar for me as I pondered the Infinite. I'd like to snap my fingers and be able to summon NFL defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh for purposes that will remain unstated."

Ted: "I'd spend three years doing research, gathering ends, speaking to the right people (I'd love to get that Mubarak guy for an hour of questions)... then I would try to set myself up as a strongman in whatever the most vulnerable nation on Earth is. I'd spend my days reviewing military parades and overseeing the peasants as they labored to build monuments to my greatness. I wouldn't care if they rose up and killed me in a thousand days... I'd die smiling.

I'd do this mostly so, at my next class reunion, I could see someone saying "I'm a partner at a law firm," or "I just opened a bistro in Manhattan," and raise them a "I'm the Great Sacred Daddy of Burkina-Faso." No one is topping that, even Obama himself.

It'd be nice to own white people, and I suppose I could maybe do Albania if I kept the Russians and Serbs happy somehow. South America could be vulnerable, and I'd have the advantage of being from the USA. If I played them right, maybe they'd let me slide somehow.

Africa seems to be the most logical choice. It might be worth a litle extra spending to own a country with some name recognition, like Rwanda or Somalia. I'd try to make a Dineyland out of the Somali pirate industry, maybe they pull up on tourist ships and they have a paintball fight with tourists who pay for the experience. Europeans and Asians are funny people, it might sell... I'd rather run the next Africa Disney pirate ride than spend my life stripping copper wire out of captured tankers. I'm sure the Somalis would, too.

I'd either do that, or some variation of Abdullah's theme. I'd like to throw a few million around, secure some troubled high-end talent like Lindsay Lohan, and have a Celebrity Tribadism tournament. Lohan and say, Britney Spears... tell me I wouldn't make back $50 for every dime that I spent?

At some point in your existence, you have to face Saint Peter. I'd like to have him recognize me when I show up, ya know?"

Jessica: "I would buy an island, maybe one of the Azores or something. I'd force everyone off of it, level it flat, cover it in dough/tomato sauce/cheese, and make a Madagascar-sized pizza. I suppose I'd have to cook it with a nuclear weapon, but I could buy one off the North Koreans or the Iranians or something. It'd be like a microwave pizza, just on a grand scale.

Work for eCape/CapeCodToday.com! Passionate go-getter wanted. eCape seeks an experienced salesperson for CapeCodToday.com. Good pay, flexible hours and unlimited earning potentialFollowing the idea to her ridiculous end, I'd have to catch a blue whale or ten and place them on the Sri Lanka-sized pizza as a sort of Anchovie topping. If higher beings were watching us from space, they'd have to impressed with something like that.

You could just import whatever people (Ethiopians, Russians, Han Chinese) are starving that month to the island and let them chow it down. If it proves to be economical, it could end world hunger.

It would also be fun to go to world war with everyone, and end the war by making an Australian-sized Linguica Pizza. If World War Three ended with someone making a pizza out of a continent, there would never be a World War Four."

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