Stop Your Cryin', Heifer... [Nor'easter Blues]

Leave the Hooters Of Coffee alone

Marylou's, a local coffee chain known for their pink coloring and comely teenage servers, is under scrutiny from The Man.

An EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) investigation is aimed at the South Shore institution, claiming that Marylou's is only hiring hot lil' teenyboppers to make people more keen on the caffeine bean. This isn't fair to the fatties and sea hags and so forth, and could result in Marylou facing punitive stuff.

Now, your former senior Senator loves Marylou's, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I get a stiffy now and then when I go in for some Java. It's part of the allure of the franchise. Pretty girls in pink shirts, the kids from Marylou's are sort of the Hooters Of Coffee.

It's not some Leggs & Eggs sleaze-fest, either. Marylou's girls tend to be more sunny/perky than stank, which is probably perfectly natural for those who work with coffee all day.

The best part of Marylou's is that the girls gain some minor local celebrity, probably exceeding that of, say, a sports blogger. Being the biggest fish in Hanover's or West Sandwich's dating pool probably doesn't mean much in the great national scheme of things, but it carries some weight in Hanover or West Sandwich. Also, keep in mind, these are girls who maxed out pouring coffee... they need every edge they can get.

Local girls get employed, a businesswoman (Marylou Sandry) pulls off a success during a backbreaking recession, and some lonely roofer gets a smile from a pretty girl in the morning before he climbs up onto a 130 degree roof with a bunch of uninsured Brazilians.... everyone wins, right?

We were winning before the feds got involved. Now, Marylou's business model may be challenged, with talk of age, race, body type, and breastisus size hovering over the hash browns. Soon, Marylou's will have to hire run-stoppers and so forth. When the pretty girls aren't par for the course at Marylou's anymore, you'll know exactly why I don't want marijuana legalized even though I smoke it... once the government gets involved, everything gets all fudged up.

The Marylou's girls I spoke to about this were supportive of their boss. "If you hire for mother's hours, you're going to get a lot of Yummy Mummy-types, it's perfectly natural," said one Marylou girl, who added that they had a fat girl scheduled for the next day. "I think she offloads the truck."

"I wanted to play in the WNBA, but I'm not six-foot-eight," said another pink warrior. "Where were the feds then? I'm going to sue, maybe try to force my way into the Nation Of Islam or something."

"It was here or the Mashpee Ballet," said a Marylou, "and while there is a sort of sinister femme-fatale vibe about dropping my kids off at school and then dry-humping a stage before a bunch of junkies 15 minutes later, I prefer pouring coffee."

Another pinky chimed in, "It was here or NASA."

Have Bikini - Will pour
Meanwhile, out in Bonney Lake WA - Bikini Mary Lou's.
The customers were less philosophical. "This is an outrage," said one customer. "They should be able to hire whoever they want to hire, and the feds should be ashamed that they are picking this fight without resolving greater problems first."

"I like Jew lawyers, black cornerbacks, English guitarists, French chefs, big tough Mick cops, tiny Slavic gymnasts, and I like my coffee served to me by a South Shore uber-Hoodsie who was cheering for Plymouth South High School in 2011," said another coffee lover. "I don't want a Swedish soul food chef, I don't want a dwarf firefighter trying to carry me down a fire escape, and I don't want to come into Marylou's and see some big Kraaken at the drive-thru. You go to open your donuts, and there's only like 11 in there."

Look for rioting to break out all over the South Shore if the feds don't back off this one. This columnist hopes that it doesn't come down to that.

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