Theft Of David Hasselhoff Displays Looks Silly, But It Speaks Of A Larger Conspiracy
Cape Cod has seen it all in her day, but our latest crime wave is one for the books. People are stealing the Hoff!
Cumberland Farms is currently running a promotion for their iced coffee products that features David Hasselhoff, known world-wide as "The Hoff." The Hoff is a veteran actor who rose to fame via the retro TV shows Knight Rider and Baywatch. He then launched an inexplicably huge music career, with most of his fame coming from Germany.
This is all well and good, but it has led to a crime wave with truly sinister undertones. People have been stealing the 7 foot Hasselhoff cutouts as fast as the New England-based store chain can replace them. The people at Cumberland Farms were somewhat evasive when I didn't call them for information, but talk around town has the number of Hoff thefts at around 500,000.
It's actually hard to find a Cumby's that is still utilizing the display. We had to drive to East Falmouth, where the store clerk told us some funny stories. One guy offered $200 for the cutout. Another incident saw a group of 5 men come in and say, "We're taking this Hoff, and you can't stop us." The fact that the cutout remains on display in the store speaks to the bad-assery of the clerk, who is actually a smaller man and is either is skilled in the martial arts or has a shotgun behind the counter. They didn't get HIS cutout.
A clerk in Mashpee wasn't so lucky, and was on the Bad Side of a Rodney King-style beating. Another clerk in Eastham was disemboweled when he tried to prevent the Hoff Heist, and rumors have reached Cape Cod that a Hoff was stolen in Fall River in a scene that involved a ritual sacrifice.
The picture accompanying this article was taken in Buzzards Bay. That store was wise enough to keep their Hoff in storage in the back room, taking him out only on April 19th. We had to spread a little Long Green around to get the clerk to let us borrow the Hoff for a few shots with various locals, after which it went back into storage.
It seems like a simple and silly series of incidents, done on a lark by psychopaths, 80s TV fans, or perhaps even drunkards. However, research by this column has led to a startling series of discoveries.
First of all, the number of thefts is ominous, and we'll explain why later. Trust me, it's HUGE.
Two... there are frightening omens in the Germanic ancestry of the Hoff, and the relative recency of the Holocaust. We'll get to that, too.
Three.... There is a story that I am unable to confirm that involves some youths in Sharon who tried to steal a Hoff. Amazingly, the Hoff cutout came to life, and then tore the children limb-from-limb. I wasn't the first person who heard this story and thought, "Golem." The fact that the children were of the Judaic faith speaks of an anti-Golem, but we'll tie all that up in a moment.
Four... my contacts in the underworld speak of a retired German industrialist in Osterville. He may or may not be gathering these Hasselhoffs for a strange reason. China once had an Emperor Qin who was buried with a 10,000 soldier terracotta "army." The retired German may be seeking to replicate that feat, but with Hasselhoffs. He'll go unnamed... for now.
Six... (#5 was too evil to print).... many Nazis fled to the Americas from Europe. They find one now and then in Massachusetts( Norwood and Sutton turned up high-ranking Nazis hiding there recently, including the guy who ran the Lithuanian "security" forces), but never one as important as the one we'll get to in this column.
Finally... if the Golem rumor is truth, it may speak to what an informant told me is REALLY happening. The Ostervillain may have mastered the art of Golem construction, and utilized it while making the Hasselhoff displays. Whether Cumberland Farms is complicit or not, I can't say. Cumberland Farms is a beloved local institution and has never had any sort of anti-Semetic complaints lodged against them. The Ostervillain may have had a mole in the plant who somehow got everything together, and Cumby's was just being used to keep the attention such a large order would draw from authorities away from the Ostervillain.
But 500,000 immortal Hasselhoff golems would make for an unstoppable army. I'd hate to use terms like "Fourth Reich," but it looks like I just did. The Hasselhoffian vanguard stormtroopers could easily move out of New England- seizing armories, telecommunications facilities and nuclear power plants as they went- and spread across North America.... and then, the world.
The Hasselhoffs are activated by writing the word "Hoff" across the foreheads of the cutouts. They can be stopped by erasing the H in Hoff and making it "Off," much like erasing the Hebrew word for Truth's first letter will give you Death and stop a "real" Golem.
Snitches get stitches and I've had enough of those to last me a lifetime, but someone in authority ought to inspect a Hyannis warehouse and a large crypt under construction in Orleans.