Ant Attack!!

"Them! Them!!" Remember that great scene from the 1950's monster movie Them! It's the scene when the little girl in the hospital - in a state of shock - suddenly reacts to the memory of her parents being eaten by large mutant ants! Don't ya just hate when parental units are devoured by gigantic insects during this mutated nuclear age we're living in today?! Such a shame...

Well anyway, that's how I reacted yesterday when I discovered about twenty large mutant ants taking up residence under my bathroom sink. I think they were plotting to steal my Old Spice after shave and deodorant stick. It is true after all, they can carry 1000 times their own body weight!

So I sprang (or sprung) into action. First, I panicked mightily, screaming Them! Them!! Then I uttered a few curse words ... like darn and oh shucks and fudge ripple! Then I rebounded with a plan - to spray Raid until my eyes watered and to place ant traps everywhere but inside the toilet bowl. That'll stop 'em! (Unless they come up through the septic pipes - Good God, nooooo!!!)

Placing down one of the traps, I glanced at the text on the bottom. You know, the text that reads: "No permita que los ninos y mascotas jueguen con los cebos" ... I'm sorry, you probably want that in English: "Do not allow children or pets to play with the baits." No, no, that's not the text I meant. I meant the listing of ingredients. The key ingredient is Avermectin B1. That's the good stuff. The lethal stuff! With enough of that I could ... dare I say ... rule the world. Well, the ant world anyway.

But here's the interesting thing regarding ant traps. Avermectin B1 accounts for 0.01% of the total in terms of ingredients associated with the product. The other 99.99% is listed as "Inert Ingredients." In other words, I'm paying $4.49 for a box of four traps filled with ingredients of which 99.99% do nothing at all! Well ... okay... as long as the traps do the job and rid my house of Them!

Afterwards, I sprayed around the foundation of the house with a lethal cocktail of Diazinon (well 22.4% , the other 77.6% was inert). Of course, the ants were already in the house, so spraying around the foundation at this point will merely keep them in the house! Like that old saying -- shutting the barn door after there are already 12 million illegal immigrants in the country ... I mean ... after the horse has already escaped.

I'm sure today my battle with the ants will continue. Of course, there's only one true way to deal with large mutant ants in this nuclear age -- that's to blast them with a flamethrower like they do in Them! So, it's off to the local Army-Navy store. Maybe I should also pick up a gas mask. Could come in handy around Halloween.

Jack Sheedy

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