Flock 9 from Outer Space

They say you can't judge a book by its cover. How untrue!
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. What a load of rubbish!

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. What a bunch of crap!


They say the Great Pyramid of Giza was built by aliens from outer space. Now, finally, that's something I can believe in!

 

Welcome to yet another haphazard arrangement of letters and words and sentences to form yet another half-baked blog entry under the heading, Off-the-Shelf, now concluding its fifth year of publication. And since I have, of late, been up to my eyeballs working on various writing projects ... and puttering around out in the garden ... I've got nothing.

Oh, sure, I've got some ideas, some kernels of blogs, but nothing worth posting. So I'll do what I normally do in such situations, I'll reprint some of my oh-so-witty comments. Yes, folks, I comment on my own blog entries. Yes, I realize it's sort of like talking to myself. Yes, I realize that's a bit odd. Yes ... yes ... I'm sorry, I've lost my train of thought. What were we talking about?

Before I begin with comments, though, I'd like to start off with quotes from some of my favorite books. And by favorite books, I mean I really like their covers.

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Judge Danforth: "Hang them high over the town! Who weeps for these, weeps for corruption!"

- From "The Crucible," by Arthur Miller. Here, Judge Danforth is no doubt referring to hanging out clothing to dry on wash day in Salem, 1692.

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Thomas More: "Oh? And when the last law was down, and the Devil turned round on you - where would you hide, the laws all being flat? This country's planted thick with laws from coast to coast - man's laws, not God's - and if you cut them down - d'you really think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then? Yes, I'd give the Devil benefit of the law, for my own safety's sake."

- From "A Man for All Seasons," by Robert Bolt. Thomas More is, of course, talking here about Massachusetts' mandatory seat belt law.

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Gabriel: "Eight months ago! It seems like yesterday to me."

Bathsheba: "And to me as if it were years ago - long years, and I had been dead between."

- From "Far From the Madding Crowd," by Thomas Hardy. No doubt, Gabriel and Bathsheba are referring here to the long lines at the RMV.

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And now, without further delay, I present for your consideration, Flock 9 (aka Flock of Comments - Part 9):

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In response to: Bathroom Humor (In reference to repairing my toilet)
I keep forgetting Step 1: Turn off the water source, hence the recurring Three Stooges episode.

So, let's see, I'll go through the process step-by-step just to make sure I understand.

Step 1) First, turn off the water.
Step 2) Then, put hands in the tank of ice cold, rusty water.
Step 3) Next, remove the slimy innards ... gross!
Step 4) Finally, parade down to the hardware store with the slimy innards to seek assistance from those knowledgeable in the ways of plumbing.

Got it! Here goes ...
Damn, I forgot to do Step 1 again!

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In response to: The Book of Census
As Mark Twain once said, "I can live two months on a good compliment."

Or as Euclid once said, "I can live two months on a good complement."

Or, as Pythagoras once said, "I can live two months on a good hypotenuse ... so long as it isn't overcooked and served in some fancy sauce."

To which Archimedes added, "And a glass of Merlot would be nice."

Tune in next time when Euclid announces he has discovered the obtuse angle, in another thrilling episode of "Great Moments in Geometry."

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In response to: The Book of Census
The triangle is an amazing geometric shape, when you think about it. It has so many uses, and it's relatively cost effective because it only requires three sides versus, say, a square or a rectangle with four sides each. And in these tough economic times, any savings is a very good thing.

Of course, there are those who like to show off -- strutting around with their hexagons and octagons. It's just not right that some folks have six-sided and eight-sided shapes while others have to make the best with their meager three-sided triangles. But, I guess that's the way of the world. I suppose we should feel fortunate to have three sides ... after all, there are some poor souls with just a line segment. God bless them.

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In response to: The Book of Census

Dear Diary,
Worked in the garden today. Put chicken wire around it. Which leads me to question - why is it called chicken wire? Are my tomatoes in danger of being eaten by poultry?

Dear Diary,
Had a dentist appointment today. Needed a filling, but fear the dentist put a small listening device inside my tooth. It's all part of a government plot. Haven't spoken a single word since. Some people may call me paranoid...wait, wait, I see chickens out in my garden!

Dear Diary,

Every morning, Monday thru Friday, my neighbor leaves his house at 7:30 and comes home at 6:00 pm. He says he works at a bank, but I know he's really involved in some top secret project involving aliens from outer space ... Ouch, my tooth aches from that damn implant! And the chickens are back!!

Dear Diary,
I feel a bit embarrassed admitting this, but - it turns out there was no listening device in my tooth, and my neighbor really is a banker, and there are no chickens in my garden after all - they're actually aliens from outer space.

Jack Sheedy

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