Hurricane Earl Rips Cape

DENNIS, MA - September 4, 2010

Packing 150-mile per hour winds and dropping 12 inches of rain, Category 4 Hurricane Earl struck Cape Cod earlier today with a force not felt around these parts since the Great Hurricane of 1635, which according to the journal of Governor William Bradford, "...was ye one wicked, pissed-off storme."

The eye of Earl made landfall at the mouth of Bass River at exactly one minute past midnight, following the river up to the Bass River Bridge. It then took a right onto Route 28 and followed that route for about a quarter mile until it pulled over and asked a Mrs. Nesbit of West Dennis -- who happened to be out at that hour walking her incontinent dog, Mickey -- for directions to the nearest Chinese restaurant for some takeout.

After picking up an order of pork fried rice and eggrolls, Hurricane Earl traveled north up Route 134, crossed over to Main Street in South Dennis village, followed Main north to Old Bass River Road, and then turned left onto Mayfair Road. Meteorologists stated that this was a somewhat unconventional path for a hurricane to take, and that Earl should have stayed on Route 134 and taken a left at the lights near the police station, which would have been a more direct route.

Eventually Earl took a dirt pathway off Mayfair to Follins Pond and the summer cottage of a Mr. and Mrs. Doppler, with whom the hurricane is staying for the Labor Day weekend.

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