Love And War

Why is there no football after Valentine day?

The NFL season has ended. From here, it's all free agency and NFL draft. And, for a moment, consider why there is no football on or after February 14th, so let's look at the current scheduling routine of the NFL.

ATM, they do a few preseason games, 16 regaular season games over 17 weeks, and a series of playoff games. Everything wraps up in early February. It's February 3rd this year.

Valentine's Day is February 14th. There's no coincidence there.

The NFL talks about expanding the regular season to 20 games or 18 games or something. Maybe they will, but it will cost them their exhibition games.

In fact, they probably won't ever do it, because two extra weeks will give America a real contest... the Super Bowl falling on Valentine's Day.

I'm no geopolitical theorist, but I can say with great certainty that World War III would start and end on February 14th, 2016 if the NFL expands or adds games to their schedule prior to that. February 14th 2016 is the next time that Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday.

The last Sunday Valentine was 2010, so it happens fairly frequently, every 6 or 7 years I suppose... don't overestimate how much effort I put into this column. It's not a Halley's Comet type thing where the next Sunday Valentine's Day Super Bowl will happen to the Jetsons.

Lots of women love football. Half of the audience for the Super Bowl will be, and for a while has been, women. Women enjoy the game, and even non-fans enjoy the spectacle. However, lots of women don't care about the Super Bowl, and they are the 5th column in the coming world war.

My boss Stacey loves football, and she's one kind of girl. She'd watch the game if she were alone, she'd alter her schedule to watch it and so forth. My girlfriend Jessica is another kind  of girl. She allows me my football, and might even take interest in a particular game now and then. She'll attend and enjoy the Super Bowl party, even if she doesn't know who is playing and may have to cook.

The third kind of girl is Other, and her ability to tolerate sports will range from Will Find Something Else To Do On Sundays to Would Not Date A Man Who Watches Sports. She's the problem, as she might take Jessica to her side if her arguments are good enough.

Homosexuality offers no protection. It's 50/50 regardingone of the two men being a sports fan and the other one hating sports. Lesbians don't even get to dodge this issue like they get to do with the toilet-seat-up-or-down issue... like I said, lots of women like football, and lesbians are generally women. We're all in the same gang.

So... the day will come when the NFL season runs until mid/late February, Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday, and couples across America have to choose between the Super Bowl and Valentine's Day. Expect furious domestic violence at best, Armageddon at worst.

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