Satire: Wind Farm May Cause Tsunami

Opponents say Flying Saucer could strike turbines in Nantucket Sound

By Jack Coleman

Editor's Note: The local daily reported on February 22, 2005, apparently quite seriously, that Cape Wind posed a danger for a massive oil spill "the most probable scenario involved the MV Great Gull, which carries up to 1.3 million gallons of fuel oil and petroleum products to Nantucket, striking one or more of the turbines." Putting aside for the moment the fact that both the newspaper and the Alliance should be more concerned about ship's captains who run aground or can't see the rather large turbines in their radar screens, it seems that the Alliance "wants it both ways". Until now their complaint has been the annoying visiblity of the turbines from six miles away, but now they want us to believe that licensed mariners won't be able to see them close up. This dichotomy inspired the whimsy below.

A report released yesterday by opponents of the proposed wind farm in Nantucket Sound claims that nearly half of the 130 turbines would be in water deep enough to be vulnerable to a strike by a Flying Saucer from Mars attempting to land on the sound with peace offerings from Outer Space.

Alliance PR Flack Enviro Klutz shown at right with Alliance board members, Larry, Moe and Curly just in from Mars.

The resulting tidal wave from the impact, the group says, could cause a tsunami which would severely affect the Nantucket Sound ecosystem and end life as we know it on this planet.

The Alliance to Protract the Nantucket Sound debate commissioned an tsunami assessment report in response to the Draft Environmental Impact Statement on the Cape Wind Energy Project that was released last November and found no danger from shipping (or from Outer Space).

Shoal not too shallow for Space Ships

The tsunami assessment was conducted by Lightweight Twit Consultants and The McGoon Group of Beacon Hill, Boston. The public and other interested parties, such as the Alliance, have until Thursday or when Senator Kennedy wakes up, whichever comes first, to submit a response to the DEIS.

In a late development the Alliance petitioned to have the definition of the letters DEIS changed to Delay Environment Improvement System.

The Army Corps is then required to investigate all claims and determine if further research is needed before issuing the final Environmental Impact Statement. The Alliance has promised to do anything to delay the project even as Massachusetts electric bills soared 13% this week.

The Alliance 800 page report estimated that a tsunami of that magnitude would surge across the 425 square miles of the sound with water flooding 217 miles of coastline. Impacts would be the worst on Horseshoe Shoal, site of the wind farm, but would also hit Nantucket Sound communities (especially Hyannisport and Osterville), Martha's Vineyard, Nantucket, portions of the Atlantic Ocean, Elizabeth Islands and perhaps destroy New York City.

Most Space Ships stop at the White House first

Army Corps spokesman Larry Rosen disputed the claim that the turbines are vulnerable to being hit by any deep-draft vessel such as a tanker or space ship. "It's quite impossible for a large-keeled vessel to get close enough to strike one of the towers," he said yesterday.

"Gadzooks, that's as crazy as our own plan to dredge Horseshoe Shoals"

Rosen added, "And most experts agree that Washington DC, rather than Osterville or Hyannisport, is where most Martians and/or Space Ships make their courtesy calls."

Rosen went on to say, "the shoals around most towers protect them. With depths of three to six feet, even a large space ship would go aground before reaching any of the turbines.

Rosen said that towers in deeper water are not easily accessible. "Some of the depths go to 20 feet, but you would have to be one hell of a navigator to get to them. There is apparently no recorded instance of oil barges going through that channel, losing control and driving into the shoals. The odds of a Space Ship doing it are even greater."

An official from Barnstable, the town nearest the feared impact zone, reacted by saying, "Gadzooks, that's as crazy as our own plan to spend millions of taxpayers dollars to dredge Horseshoe Shoal in order to protect the views for our friends who have trophy homes along that shore. "

A Bourne native and freelance writer, Jack Coleman wrote about the Cape Wind project from 2001 to 2004 as a political reporter and bureau chief with the Cape Cod Times. A previous column on underwater strip mining in Nantucket Sound may be found here.