I hate Cape Cod
by Ben Foster
I hate Cape Cod. It sucks. I appreciate that many of you vacation there, and some even live there, but I don't care. I hate it.
For starters, what is a cod? It's a fish, of course, but it's not a useful one. There are fish that have some redeeming economic or aesthetic value, but the cod is not one of them. Back in the day the cod was relevant: Boston's fish trade dealt mostly in cod (Thanks Wikipedia!). If you go to Boston now though - and I'm from the Boston suburbs, so I go fairly often when I'm not doing Georgetown stuff - there are no cod to be found. The biggest employers in Boston today are in the medical, education, and bad-driving fields. Seriously, we drive like a-holes. But our driving has nothing to do with cod, because cod have nothing to do with us. I think you can still buy them at the supermarket, but I don't know anyone who does. And I know everybody.
It just seems wrong to vacation in the same state that you live in. Second, the Cape, as it has been parochially and stupidly dedicated, is crowded. You know those Japanese water parks where thousands of semi-nude people are crammed into a large wet room? Cape Cod is much the same way in the summer, except that you're outdoors and the people are fatter. And even if you can look beyond the unattractiveness of the general populace, the sheer masses of people who descend on Cape Cod render the traffic untenable. Massachusetts' antiquated road system makes every Massachusetts driver an irate one, and with all those crabby people - as well as many out-of-staters blissfully unaware of the fact that they are not welcome in the state - traffic is a nightmare. Apparently Cape Cod beaches put even Jersey shore beaches to shame in terms of crowdedness, and that is beyond disgusting.
Thirdly - and that may not even be a word, but what the hell - it just seems wrong to vacation in the same state that you live in. (Incidentally, if you're not from Massachusetts, go ahead and skip this paragraph.) I guess same-state vacationing is acceptable if you're from California or Texas or some other similarly nation-sized state. Besides, those states actually have some variance in their topography. But Massachusetts is microbe-sized compared to either of those. Anyway, I live just up the street from the beach, in a town north of Boston. Why would I drive two-plus hours, dealing with traffic and tolls, just to go to another Massachusetts beach? Truth be told, I don't even go to the beach that often. The sun is not my friend. More to the point, I'm an only child, and without constant amusement I get fidgety and restless, so the relative quiet of the beach just doesn't do it for me.
Finally, Cape Cod is expensive. Let's say you make a pilgrimage to the Cape for a weekend in the summer. Figure between the shady, skeezy motel you're staying at, the sleazy restaurants where you'll eat what's put in front of you, and the "Cape Cod"-emblazoned trinkets you just have to buy, you're going to spend several hundred dollars. That's a day or two of tuition right there. Now there is a solution to this problem, and the one mentioned earlier about the crowdedness, and that's to go in the off-season, which I've done. And all I can say is F THAT S. It's cold, so you can't go to the beach, or do anything else for that matter. If I want to be cold and miserable in the winter, I'll stay home with the heat turned off and watch The Hills. And a bonus: I'd still technically be in Massachusetts, or "Assachusetts" as I like to call it.
So, in conclusion, I hate Cape Cod. If you really want to have some fun on vacation, don't go to the Cape - find a big empty box and hide in it for a while, until you get bored or until a hobo claims it, and you, for his own.
Foster is a finance junior.