Always Read the Fine Print

Well, here we are 1/24th of the way through 2007. Just 23/24ths of the year left to go until 2008. Then before we know it, it'll be 2009, and next 2010. Wow, 2010 already! Imagine that! 2010! Boy, where has the time gone?

Which leads me to wonder ... what would you call this year? Oh sure, I know it's 2007. But is the year pronounced "Two thousand and seven" or "Twenty-o-seven"? Some people say "Two thousand and seven" while others refer to it as "Twenty-o-seven." I prefer "Twenty-o-seven," but sometimes I catch myself saying "Two thousand and seven." It's tricky business, this new century.

For instance, back in the 20th century we referred to 1907 as "Nineteen-o-seven" and 1967 as "Nineteen sixty-seven," not as "One thousand, nine hundred and seven" or as "One thousand, nine hundred and sixty-seven." And how would we refer to this decade? For instance, the 1960's were known as the "60's," the 1970's as the "70's." What do we call the years from 2000 to 2009? The "zeros"? The "single digits"? The "o-somethings"? And what of the years from 2010 to 2019? Would we call them "the teens"? (Although that wouldn't quite work for 2010 thru 2012.) Or perhaps the "double digits"? It's all very confusing.

diet2_02Let me try to explain further ... now ... um... oh boy, this isn't going well. This blog is about as dull as a blog can get. Dull, dull, dull. I'll tell ya, it's difficult to come up with fresh blog material every three or four days. Material that's timely, on topic, witty, and spelled corectly.

Fortunately, today I picked up a blog dietary supplement called Blogitor 2000 (the clinical name is witticism hydrochloride adverbia). It comes in 25mg tablets. My doctor says it will help to improve my focus, enabling me to come up with relevant blog topics and pinpoint verbiage. The only problem is the side effects, which I noticed in the fine print that accompanied the supplement. It reads as follows:

Blogitor 2000 is only to be used by patients who are currently writing a blog or plan to write a blog within the next 48 hours. It should not be used with any other literary medicines or supplements, such as those taken to aid in writing a novel, a novella, a collection of short stories, poetry, or in writing advertising copy meant to promote financial products, soft drinks, or fast food. Those with high blood pressure, low blood pressure, high cholesterol, low cholesterol, a high fever, a low fever, those over six feet tall or under six feet tall, and all those between the ages of 35 and 45 should avoid using this supplement unless they really, really, really feel it's necessary.

Blogitor 2000 is not for everybody, including men, women, old men, old women, dogs, cats, squirrels, farm animals, laboratory animals, former telephone operators, astronauts, librarians, anyone with a middle name that starts with W, officers of the Salvation Army, opera singers, anyone born after 1899, circus performers, members of the clergy, and people who have dropped out of society and are currently living in the back woods of Maine. It's also not for those with liver problems, stomach problems, intestinal problems, lung problems, heart problems, ears-nose-and-throat problems, and anyone with really ugly toenails (you know, those yellow toenails that curl up in unnatural ways - gross!). It's also not for any women or men who are pregnant or who may become pregnant, or who were once pregnant, or who know someone that was, is, or may one day become pregnant.

If you're taking Blogitor 2000, tell everyone you know because at any moment you could slip into a sudden coma and only fast action will save your life. Other side effects could include nose bleeds, vomiting (including extreme Exorcist-like projectile vomiting), muscle pain, a deep sense of emptiness, an even deeper sense of emptiness, a painful void in the pit of your stomach though you know not why, an intense aching throughout your body (not unlike what Mel Gibson's character went through toward the end of Braveheart), and terribly painful constipation, followed by profoundly embarrassing diarrhea that will no doubt catch you completely by surprise and when you least expect it (normally when you are nowhere near a toilet). But the most common side effect is a severe case of flatulence like you never dreamed possible, leaving you completely drained, pitifully devastated, and utterly embarrassed beyond belief (take our word for it, it's really, really bad). Oh yeah, and there's heartburn - terrible heartburn, stomach cramps, gas, and spiking headaches that will leave you wishing you'd never been born. These side effects tend to go away after a week or two.

So the next time you're staring at a blank computer screen in search of a blog idea, reach for Blogitor 2000 - the #1 prescribed blog supplement in the USA. The side effects may be painful and embarrassing, but heck, you've got a blog to write!

Blogitor 2000 - not FDA approved. Phonylketonurics: Contains phonylalanine, which tends to cause laboratory mice to glow in the most beautiful shade of green, with just a hint of blue ... it's truly stunning.

Jack Sheedy

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