Bathroom Humor

Musical accompaniment: Scheherazade by Rimsky-Korsakoff (aka Rimski-Korsakov) 1844-1908

The following item appeared a couple of days ago as my inaugural blog entry on the new Plymouth site. I provide it here 'cause I'm too damn lazy to write a new post for the Cape site:

Bathroom Humor 

Testing...One...Two...Three...Testing...Am I on?

Well, it looks like I'm up and running. Welcome to "Off-the-Shelf," a blog now some five years old, which looks at everything from the Big Bang to the present day. Of course, that's some 13 billion years, unless you're a strict Creationist, in which case it's more like 5,000 years back to "In the beginning God created the heaven and earth." (Gen 1:1) Either way, that's a long time. Longer, even, than waiting on queue at the RMV.

Mainly, for this initial blog entry, I just wanted to test the waters, to see if I know what the heck I'm doing on this newfangled blog posting program. After all, I'm not too good with technology. Heck, I still own an 8-track player. Cassette tapes are just too hi-tech for me.

Speaking of testing the waters, this morning I've been wrestling with my toilet. It hasn't been flushing properly. Or at all. So I took the top off the tank to have a look-see, and got sprayed in the face. It was like a Three Stooges routine. Apparently, something's not hooked up properly. So, I put the lid back on and ran for cover. I returned half an hour later with the solution: a piece of paper with the words "Do not use!!" written on it, which I taped to the seat. Problem solved.

Well, that's all for now. I have to run next door and see if I can use my neighbor's bathroom. I'd love to stick around and write some more ... but ... I gotta go!!



The following items, which were my own comments to my last blog, God, Death, and Mustard, should have been set aside to perhaps become a separate blog entry. Again, laziness.

I provide them here, for your consideration.



Technologically, I'm quite a bit behind the times, and in fact, I only discovered You Tube about a month ago. I still don't own a cell phone. I don't have any handheld gizmos, or small music devices that hold thousands of songs (Actually, I still listen to LP records). I can't even seem to work the mouse on my kids' laptop computers.

All this technology is simply not a part of the little world I've carved out for myself. Like Brian Wilson, I guess I just wasn't meant for these times. I would have fared better back in the 19th century. Of course, I probably would have thought Alexander Graham Bell's telephone was an instrument of the Devil. And that the steam engine was a bloody nuisance. On second thought, maybe the 18th century would have been more my speed.



Speaking of technology, there was a time when I was nearly on the cutting edge. Of course, that was some 30 years ago back in college. At that time, I actually took (and passed!) both a COBOL course and another course on computer logic and design.

I later turned my back on technology to become a Druid.

But, at this time, I wish to pass along greetings to my former classmates in the language we used to speak -- the language of bits and bytes. Here goes:


Dear Mates,
10110101 01000101 11001110 00010100 01101010 00111010 10010100 10101001 10010010 10100110 10000010 00101010 10010101 10001010 10001011 00101001 10010100 10010100 10001000 00101001 10110101 01000101 11001110 00010100 01101010 00111010 10010100 10101001 10010010 10100110 10000010 00101010 10010101 10001010 10001011 00101001 10010100 10010100 10001000 00101001 10110101 01000101 11001110 00010100 01101010 00111010 10010100 10101001 10010010 10100110 10000010 00101010 10010101 10001010 10001011 00101001 10010100 10010100 10001000 00101001 10010010 10100110 10000010 00101010
Jack, Class of '84



The Good Book saith quite a bit, and tends to repeat itself with similar themes and parallel stories. The story of the resurrection of Jesus is such an example. Let us not forget an earlier resurrection story, in the Gospel of John, Chapter 11, when Lazarus is also raised from the dead after "he had lain in the grave four days" (John 11:17) ... beating Jesus by at least 24 hours to hold the world record.



The Gospels tend to overlap one another with similar stories and variations on similar themes. Many of the parables of Jesus can be lumped into like themes, such as the parables of becoming "lost" -- like the parable of the lost sheep, and the lost coin, and even the parable of the Prodigal Son. These similarly-themed parables are meant to drive home the notion that in the eyes of God you are never truly lost.

On the other hand, if you lose your car keys you're on your own.



As for the Prodigal Son, he should not be confused with the Praedial Son, who was obsessed with the acquisition of land so he could build golf courses all across the Holy Land, including the beautiful 18-hole Bethlehem Municipal Golf Course and the extremely difficult Nazareth Country Club executive course (4200 yards, 59 par).

It was said that St. Peter was the longest driver of all the disciples, but was hopeless around the green.



More scribbles on Death, Vegetables, and Tea:


To paraphrase Dickinson:

"I've seen a Dying Eye,
Run round and round a room,
In search of car keys lost,
To make my car go zoom."


To paraphrase Mark Twain's comment about arriving and departing with Halley's comet:
"I came in with the First Quarter moon, in 1962, and I expect to go out with it."


To paraphrase a popular hymn:
"Precious Lord, take my hand,
Lead me on, to the vegetable stand,
Tomatoes tired, lettuce weak, cucumbers worn,
Through the store, through the night,
Lead me on to the cashier's light,
Bless my veggies, Precious Lord, locally grown."


Came across this story recently ... while researching my new book (due out this Fall ... what a shameless plug, huh?):

 "In 1835, a Mr. H from South Dennis, MA was accidentally buried alive. The error was discovered days later when his wife, while visiting the grave, heard a noise coming from the ground. Diggers exhumed Mr. H's casket to find him in remarkably good condition. Fortunately, he had been buried with tea and scones.

"When asked about his ordeal, Mr. H responded that he wasn't upset at all and actually enjoyed the rest. He did mention, though, that the tea was a bit tepid."


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